A good week.

There's so much to think about and talk about when you're getting to know a person.
Or when you're re-getting to know a person.
What do you tell them first?
When I try to do these things, I find that my philosophies are more precisely defined. I'm forced to think about them. I want to portray not only the best part of myself, but also what I want to eventually attain.

I sat in church. I was thinking. Just thinking. It's hard to want what I want to want.
Confused?

Cole: stop trying to justify the things you know are wrong.



List:
Read
Learn
Be attentive.

I took many pictures with my new waist-level viewfinder for the Mamiya. I'll be posting them as soon as processing happens.

don't

I hate that I question why people like things.
I hate that I'm late to things that aren't events.
All of my fears and the things I don't enjoy bring about so much uncertainty.
I feel like I can't define anything right about now.

Tim and I sang a little bit of Incubus today. Some Warmth. I just want to experience the warmth. I really do. Whether that's with one person, with many people, completely alone, I want it to happen...frequently.

Quiet now, your voice seems miles away.
But somehow I hear your song resound a little bit softer each day.

Why do I get angrier here than anywhere else? Maybe it's just frustration, but the definitions don't vary too much. I don't want to fix everything, I just want to be able to.

I wish I could draw on here. I might scan drawings. I haven't shot in a bit. Or processed, rather. An integral part of my photographic process. I want some consistency. But only in some areas.

Can anyone relate?

hey:

women and men,
synonyms for time his come,
pack all the things you think you own,
you now live with the ones
amongst the ones
as the ones you
killed with your direct glance
your half-opened eyes.
pursed lips and mind full of sorrow.
BACK OFF the space between you screamed
it's not your job to create a screen.
and still haven't finished half the book.
each time my eyes grow tired
as worn and weary as the ears of corn still being grown
and the kids whose feet ache and groan.
said, redemption, and jumped on in,
folks with kids and men with sin.
there's no contracts
a lack of seeming rules
but in it's place harsh suggestions made
to make grown-ups shiver with what they think they know
with what you think you own
with all the sparrow's songs
shirts on piano benches
following cars to outer locations
spitting on ladders to higher places
crawling under said ladders
just to disprove superstition
super dishing out the dinner
mother made for everyone
yet you refuse your bowl of soup
too good for it
to low to stoop.




bleh.

winter.

Oh, well I knew you shook the set-up baby, of all the leaves up in the ground
And I know our song is over and heavy as I see dry leaves fallin' down, oh
With all this fever in my mind, I could drown in your kerosene eyes
Oh, you're just a riddle in the sky
Oh, where do my bluebirds fly?

And as the early sign of dawn of thunder I see you stir the fog around
And when you find the boys and gears of sunset we'll hear that high and lonesome sound, oh
And I will question every wind if they gone through the glow of your eyes
Oh, you're just a riddle in the sky
Oh, where do my bluebirds fly?
I say where do my bluebirds fly?

Oh, well I know you soak your feathers baby upon the ghosts along my trail
And I know well I was sole and buried before I knew it was for sale, oh
With all this fever in my mind I could aim for your kerosene eyes
Oh, you're just a target in the sky
I say where do my bluebirds fly?
I say where do my bluebirds fly?

This year, as Thanksgiving approached, I realized that I became thankful for more and more, and wanted to call and talk to people more frequently. Family, friends, the like. And this year as I look out the window from my house in Portland, I see rain, gray skies, and hear cat power from Levi's computer in the background.
This is contentedness and brotherhood, but it doesn't change the fact we're thinking about somewhere else. We've got splendid plans for the night, and I don't think my writing will end here.

It's cold at my house, come hang out in blankets with me.

I told my grandmother this: I'm not so much sad about missing Thanksgiving in itself, but more the fact that everyone is gathered 'round the extended two tables at her house. She told me I'd get the same delicious food at Christmas, and I smiled. Thanksgiving could be any day, but it's a day where I get to see my family. Seems like a standard notion, that the holiday is really just about family being together, but it just makes sense right now.

I talked with Alex last night, and he was talking about how Japanese Americans really have nothing riding on any of the holidays we celebrate. It made me laugh, but it also made me think about our holiday system. The past couple years have changed the way I look at them.

Oakland was amazing, I'm so glad that I found an awesome dude to hitch a ride with both ways. I got to see two of my best friends, and a handful of others. I guess it's good to end this on a high note. I'm so incredibly thankful for my friends and family. I'd love to be more specific, like Corinne, who is thankful that her mom can cook this year, and had her first haircut since overcoming cancer. I'm so thankful for what I've been able to achieve and what I've been given. Once again, I wish I could be more specific. I'm generally happy.

I printed in the darkroom for a while yesterday for a few hours. I'm seeming to have less and less 'bad days' in there. I seem to always be able to print some pretty killer stuff (in the most non-self-tooting sort of way.)

happy day, all.








I'm also pretty thankful for Wyatt. And for animals in general. I miss my cat and dog.

wow,

It's great to see your face,
hear your voice.
and be graced by the words that come off of your tongue. The sound didn't match, so I just kept staring. The thesaurus didn't have much for "I miss you." So I'll have to repeat this tired phrase.

I keep my pillow close.

Deserving.

I asked her all those questions.
And I told her I loved her,
and nothing could have been more true.

When death and all his angels find you, Will you call out?

Some pictures from Chicago. Some of them look really terrible. I need to figure out how that confounded scanner works. I miss these friends(amongst others, not shot in color):





I finally figured out how to use the scanner.
Apparently I know nothing about photoshop, according to these lazy borders I've decided will be.

I didn't do that which I had written down.
There's always time.
Thank you, Tim for emailing me that list of books, I'm sure I'll get around to it.

Not by the hair of your chinny chin chin.

The devil wears a black dress.

I'll be the weight on your bones.
Because I hate sleeping alone.

-


Tell me, as my dead-tired fingers ache in writing this, how you really feel, what really ails you, and then kiss me with words, not lips, not eyes,
with words you spell
and know the meaning, the letters drafted,
large as the ceiling
because you mean them.





motivation. For what? I'm going to buy some books tomorrow in hops that I'll grow a desire to read them, but I'm worried my necessity will need more than sunshine and water.

I'm going to talk to people tomorrow, but I'm worried my relationships will need more than sunshine and water.



you'll have pictures tomorrow, whoever you are.

Here there are no lives I'm set out to lead.
I can't remember how many times I hit snooze today.
Wait. It comes every 5 minutes. that would be 7 times. Math with fingers works rather well when counting by fives.

I work tirelessly and I really need some sleep. This busy-ness is good for me. I need more time to think. All these things happen, my relationships seem cyclical. there's a cap that's reached every so often, and that's when I know it's time to stop.




Well, I tried scanning negatives yesterday. I'll go back another day, and then hopefully have something to show for it.

Just got around to....

uploading these pictures.
I know they all don't look the same, I didn't feel like congruous editing.
I don't know who all reads these anyway.
No matter.

Concentration.

Let's all sit around in a classroom at realize obvious differences in our past.
Let's keep asking 'what if?' questions.
I hope you're justified.

I want to be more proficient in my knowledge of stuff.
Didn't that sound scholarly?

I'm learning photography all over again, it seems. teaching people in my class how to roll film and what aperture is. No, no, not the photo editing software made by Macintosh. At least I'll have darkroom access.



I meant what I said in that letter.


"All the same, it could be that I am mistaken, and what I take for gold and diamonds is perhaps nothing but a bit of copper and glass."


I'm going to edit pictures.

Can I get an....

Amen?






Real things to follow.

I would say

that today was a glorious day, but it wasn't.

I put on my clothes,
took off my clothes,
showered and sat back down.

(I'm almost positive my clothes went back on at some point, because, believe it or not, I did leave the apartment.)

we began the day with "sleep well, drive carefully."
who does death cab remind me of?

I drove to the phone store
and, amazingly enough, got a charger
for free
so that I could call you.

It's sad the decay that all things material undergo.
It's sad and yet I can't help but smile.

Too many times I've been roped into feelings of inadequacy.
Nothing that shows, of course.
Nothing shown on the outside.
Nothing that really even affects me more than the occasional
tap on the shoulder, the festering feeling that creeps up on me when I'm feeling down.
I do believe it creeps upon us all.

And then I walked, left several voicemails, including a happy birthday to my grandmother, who celebrates hers just a day before her grandson. I stepped in some mud, and I can't remember if I cursed or not.

I pride myself on being "good" with words. But there are sometimes when I cannot communicate what I feel. And it might be the most frustrating thing. Another example of another time I like pictures. I can't wait to show everyone what I've been doing. I need to process.

I feel like if I made a list right now, not a whole lot would change in 10 more.

I'm no longer a teenager. But I guess the west coast doesn't know that yet.

Oh yeah...


that's that.

We are in Kansas anymore

Well, Chicago was a good time. I have pictures, I'm sure I'll post. I have to keep looking for the rest of them. I don't want to bog your eyes down all in one post, but I may anyway, because honestly, I don't want to post again.

I want to be able to be ready to speak at any moment, while still keeping my sillier thoughts to myself. I want our intelligence to be communicated in mutual way. I want life to be shared as much as no one knows.

I find identification in more than one topic that I see every day.
Being in this van forever, I'm so stationary and mobile at the same time. And yet, there are places that aren't here.

Chicago/Michigan

The road into Chicago was about the longest I've waited for something this tour. Anticipation for some sort of reuniting with good memories. Instead, more were made. It was great to be able to have multiple rolls of film at my disposal. It was glorious weather, walking miles and miles around the city.

I promise I'll get more pictures up. If not for anyone reading, then for myself. To give myself some sort of something.

I made 25 bucks during a shot with a 1 year old in Dubuque, IA.
I made some phone calls in Madison
I made pictures with my camera
I made someone a litle angry
I was made dinner
I made it back to the house we were staying at
I made friends
I made less room on my hard drive
I made myself happy.


Thank the Lord for people in my life.

Jala told me today that Ellie has been playing with my stuffed animal and biting its ear. You have no idea how happy that made me.

goals.
cats.
music.

Love,
cole

I wish there was

more time to spend in Madison. I drove for the better part of today, seeing things that I never have; road I've never traveled on. IT was nice to have the Midwestern road beneath the tires of the Ford Econoline.

I miss you and I've missed you, but it's only a few more days. forgive me for my past. I'm one of those who seek forgiveness. I hope you know how happy it makes me.

pictures when I get around to it.

About to Leave Omaha.

and everybody's scramblin' to get their bags packed, just before 11, local time.

I woke up, reluctantly, to the measly continental breakfast at the first hotel we've stayed at. I went back to bed, kinda.

Put on Death Cab shuffle in my headphones, as the sun turned into California.

We're in Wyoming now. A nice change in scenery on the drive. I didn't think I'd like it much, but apparently it gets worse through Cheyenne. I've a couple new cities to add to the list of those I'm not too fond of. I've watched movies for a while these past days. Enough, enough, time for pictures. I'd write more, but I've been journaling like a madman. so much, in fact, I'll need a new Moleskine come friday.

I've been in Washington for a good, healthy week. It's nice to be able to explore the cities I've heard about, and be in the silence of the forest. Yesterday was spent on Anderson Island, off the Puget Sound near Tacoma. After a relaxing evening, the owner of the cabin took Ivan, Travis and I out for some island initiation. To be honest, I had no idea what this might consist of, but I did remember committing to something of a ghost hunt earlier in the night.

We began the tour at the smaller than small elementary school, where Heather, our tour guide, attended her first years of education. After a bout with a tire swing, we were headed to our next location, the old Anderson house. Its dilapidated path had been recently replaced by a gravel road, but I don't believe that deterred from the irksome feeling the house has always instilled. We went a little further down the road to a haunted horse ranch, but decided to go further still, a little up the road to a barn whose second floor had caved in. All the while listening to ghostly stories from our other tour guide and photographer, Scot. The house, not far from the barn, was much more eerie than the first, and after the trek through the fields, we were ready to go back.

My brevity can hardly explain all of the feelings experienced on this trip, but I can assure you, there were some weird feelings. We capped off the night with a swim in one of the Island's small lakes, a couple jumps off the dock, and a sandy return to Heather's car. As we prepared for bed, Heather made some Top Ramen, in a style reminiscent of her Grandmother, to whom the cabin once belonged.





And now to step back and view my past few days as a whole. While we're still in Washington, the idea of tour has been a very good one. The van has already become a comfort place of sorts, containing what little food we brought, and all our clothes for the coming month and some change.

Reasons to be stoked on life at the moment:

Just stuff to share with you. I love life, and man, is it interesting.

Well...

Tonight I was calling people, trying to see if anything was going on, when I realized I had almost come to the turnoff for my house. I pulled off, quite inconveniently, to a local elementary school, where I sat in the parking lot with my radio and interior lights on. I pulled my sketchbook from my bag and began to draw. Being that I am not very good with drawing still-life objects, and the visible objects in my car did not appeal to me, I sort of scribbled around, finally deciding I was going to, once again, write the lyrics of the song I was listening to. It's difficult to explain what I feel during these times. Prior to this, I was feeling just a little bit let down, frustrated and definitely out of place. The remedy is not in sight, at least not that I can see.

"Just don't become perpetually cynical."

Is it weird that I don't want to sing unless I believe the words? I don't think so, but the people looking at me might.

I'm happiest with an instrument in my hands, my mouth singing words I do believe and understand. I'm happiest with one eye shut, peering through glass into God knows what. I'm happiest with my legs moving fast, not forward you see, up, up down and around at last. I'm happiest with the ball beneath my feet, the words out of my pen, and my friends around me.

I'm back.

Why do I find myself saying that more and more often. I'm back to what? Enough.

Something that has become really bothersome to me in the past while has been the level of ignorance, myself included, when concerning the current political and social reforms taking place in our country. We don't know what's going on, and some of us care more about unfounded inference than sometimes positive fact. I'm astounded at the lies that man of us believe, not only about those running our country, but also about the way we should lead our lives.

Why are we all still consumed with ourselves? Stop your buying. Start your giving.

Well, I'm back at 'home' from a year away at school in Portland, Oregon, and I must say, the 1,000 miles has really allowed for an induced culture shock upon returning to the place of my childhood. I'm regrettably focused more and more on the shortcomings of others, and my return to a town where I feel comfortable. I have not been doing much here, which could contribute to my teetering towards boredom and frustration.

I've attended church a handful of times since my arrival here, and I must say, I'm not impressed. These days, it takes a bit to impress me. It seems the only thing that can allow me to feel close to G*d at all is worship through music.

Allow me to be frank. I was just told these very words, over the internet mind you:
I'm sorry Cole. How unfortunate that you do not understand enough about history/politics that this has gone on through many administrations. Be a person, not a party.

Well now, I guess I'm just not educated enough to make a decision to vote against a presidential candidate who plans to (and I quote) "legally enforce doctors and tax payers to abort babies."

Fullerton, you are the home to people I love, but your lack of forward motion causes me to be very sad. I fear I don't have much more to say.

in seattle

I'm in Seattle for the long weekend. i ate taco bell on the way up; my first fast food in a long while. going on a long, exploratory ride tomorrow, followed by Dave Bazan. more to come, pictures and whatnot, hopefully. I'll consult my experts on enclosing photos in my posts.